


The Art Of Communication

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:43:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29846544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: A post series fic where MorganaNK once again is cruel to Barbara and mean to Tommy.  The title is a play on 'The Art Of Conversation'.
Relationships: Barbara Havers/Thomas Lynley
Comments: 42
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended
> 
> _This is something I started way back in 2018. I re-read it the other day and thought I would post it... and get hopefully get round to finishing it (Duchess will be after me with a lynching posse of spooders if I don't!)_

The roads glistened under headlights and street lamps as I made my way home. I tried to focus, but my mind was unhelpfully distracting me, drawing my attention back to something that I was doing my best to forget.

I rubbed my forehead trying to relieve the tension I was feeling that I just knew was going to develop into a headache. It was all my fault, it always was, but this time I had fucked up spectacularly.

I couldn’t blame alcohol; not one sip had passed my lips. I couldn’t blame anything other than a monumental lapse of good judgment. One moment of insanity and now my world had been blown apart.

I didn’t know how I was going to fix this, more to the point I didn’t know if it was fixable. Years spent building a partnership… no, more than that, a friendship, and one that I had believed was unbreakable, and it had all been destroyed in a moment of intense madness.

I returned my focus to the road just in time to see a large white transit van pull out in front of me. It was far too late, but I stamped on the brakes, not at all surprised as the car skidded… straight into the back of it.

…I rolled over, reaching out to pull Barbara to me, only to discover a cold and empty space, a discovery that brought me to instant wakefulness.

I sat up, reaching to turn on the bedside lamp, blinking as my eyes adjusted to the brightness. I thought that perhaps she had gone to the bathroom, but the door to the ensuite was still ajar from when we had left the shower and tumbled into bed together. I slid out of bed, pulling on my boxers before heading downstairs. A short while later my fears were realised; Barbara had fled.

Returning to the bedroom, I slumped down on the bed, running my fingers through my hair. I was angry, hurt and disappointed that she hadn’t stayed, or at the very least said goodbye. I couldn’t help feeling that it was something that I had done that I shouldn’t of, or something that I should have done that I hadn’t. I wracked my brain, going over everything that had passed between us, and came up with nothing. Ignoring the lateness of the hour, I retrieved my phone. Just as I was about to recall her number it started to ring.

…The engine screamed, and the horn whined but I was in too much pain to care about either. Broken glass surrounded me like confetti as smoke billowed from under the bonnet. I knew that I should move, but I also knew that I couldn’t, the wreckage keeping me firmly in my seat.

I was distracted from my pain by someone banging on the side window, and I could hear the panic in their voice as they tried to get my attention. I tried to turn my head, and then immediately regretted the attempted action. I groaned and settled back against my seat, cursing myself, the world, and especially Thomas bloody Lynley.

…”Lynley.”

I could hear the impatience in my voice, but I didn’t care. Whoever it was that was calling was stopping me from contacting Barbara; I didn’t have the time or the inclination to play nicely.

The person on the other end of the phone repeated my full name as a question, and my irritation went up another notch.

“Yes, I’m Thomas Lynley. What do you want?”

The voice in my ear began by apologising. I was about to interrupt them, to tell them to get on with whatever it was they had to tell me and then shut up, when they mentioned Barbara’s name. From that moment on they had my full attention.

Ten minutes later I was dressed, in my car, and heading towards the hospital.

…I had no idea how much time had passed, or even what was happening to me. The pain had left me drifting in and out of consciousness until the only thing I cared about was that someone made it stop and soon.

Hands seemed to be touching me all over; grabbing, lifting, binding, soothing. I felt the rain on my face and the temperature drop, before I was wrapped and lifted onto a stretcher. Then I was in the ambulance and that was the last thing I knew.

…I abandoned my car in the first available space and ran towards the accident and emergency department, my mind helpfully conjuring up all sorts of horrific scenarios. I hated myself for not talking to her before we had fallen asleep, for not explaining to her that I didn’t see her as a one-night stand or a pity fuck, for falling into bed with her without explaining that I was hopelessly in love with her; mind, body and soul. I hoped that I would have the chance to put that right.

I joined the queue for reception, tapping my foot impatiently on the floor in between continually glancing at my watch. Time seemed to be crawling, and it wasn’t doing anything to approve my mood. When I finally got to the front I was barely hanging on to my last remaining nerve.

“I’m here for Barbara Havers. Someone called me, said she’d been in an accident.”

“Your name Sir?”

“Thomas Lynley. Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley.”

The staff member tapped away at their computer, hardly sparing me a glance.

“Ah yes, Ms Havers. If you take a seat, I’ll have someone come and talk to you as soon as they can.”

“I’d rather see her now.”

“That won’t be possible, she is currently having a CT scan. As I said, if you take a seat, I’ll have someone come and talk to you when they are available.”

Muttering under my breath, I stomped off to the seating area, knowing I had to wait, and hating that I had to wait at the same time.

Time was still crawling and doing nothing was something that had never sat comfortably with me. I wanted to see Barbara, to see that she was okay, to talk to her and make her understand that I had waited a long time for us to get together and I wasn’t going to walk away from her, no matter how long it took me to convince her.

I must have sat in that chair for hours; continually fighting the urge to storm through to the treatment area and find Barbara. It was taking too long, and once again my demons were trying to convince me that something awful had happened to her, that she had died, just as Helen had. I knew I wouldn’t survive that.

“Mr Lynley?”

I looked up to see a young man in dark blue scrubs.

“Yes.”

“You are Ms Havers’ next of kin?”

I nodded.

“I’m Doctor Masood. If you would follow me. We need to have a conversation about Ms Havers injuries.”

“I’d rather see her first.”

“She’s currently in theatre so you will need to wait until she is brought up from recovery. We do need to talk about her condition.”

I stood, “you’d better lead on then.”

The young man led me to a room which I felt was laughingly described as a relatives waiting area. Someone had done the best to make it welcoming, but it still contained the generic and exceedingly uncomfortable NHS standard issue furniture. Closing the door behind us, he gestured for me to sit.

“Ms Havers has been involved in a high-speed impact.”

I snorted, “high speed; I’d be surprised if her car knew what anything over thirty miles an hour felt like!”

My inappropriate comment was met with a raised eyebrow, and a voice in my head which sounded suspiciously like my mother reprimanded me with a sharp ‘Thomas Lynley; really!’

“Well, the police believe her vehicle was travelling at fifty before impact. She did try to brake, but due to the speed and the road conditions she was not able to avoid a collision with the vehicle that pulled out in front of her.”

“So, she wasn’t responsible for the accident?”

“That is for the police investigation to conclude.”

“You don’t need to tell me that, I’m a police officer and so is Barbara, we know how these things work. Now, why don’t you tell me about her injuries.”

“Ms Havers has broken ribs, concussion, a broken arm and crush injuries to her legs and feet, but the most serious injuries are a ruptured spleen and a lacerated liver.”

“I told her to get rid of that damned car! If she had listened to me and bought something newer, she would have had better protection.”

“Mr Lynley, thinking like that is not going to help you, and it is certainly not going to help Ms Havers. It is going to take time for her to recover, and probably a lot of hard work on her part with physio and rehabilitation.”

“It doesn’t matter how long it takes, or how much money it takes, I will be there, right by her side. I’m not going anywhere.”

Dr Masood stood, “I need to get back to work. I’ll send someone to take you to Ms Havers when she is back on the ward. Until then, help yourself to tea or coffee and try not to worry too much.”

As the door closed behind him I sank back further into my seat, ignoring the fact that the edge of the seat was cutting off the circulation in my legs. I was once again filled with self-loathing; blaming myself for what had happened to Barbara. I should have known she would worry about what had happened between us, that she would have had doubts. She knew my reputation, no matter how much it wasn’t warranted, at least not completely. I had been in love with Barbara for such a long time, but I had been a coward, scared to give voice to my feelings in case they weren’t reciprocated, terrified of losing her. And then things had changed.

…It had been a horrible case, and that felt almost like an understatement. Child murders always hit even the hardest of coppers and we were no different. From the moment we had been called to the riverbank to the moment we had arrested the child’s mother we hadn’t rested. 

“Do you want to get some dinner and a couple of drinks, just to unwind?”

“I’m not really in the mood.”

He reached out and caught hold of my hand, “not in the mood for food? That’s not like you Barbara. Talk to me.”

I stared at his fingers laced through mine before my gaze tracked up to his face. 

“Talk to me.”

“How can a mother decide that her new partner is more important than their child? There shouldn’t even be a bloody decision to make!”

“Sadly Barbara, as our job has repeatedly shown us, there are people out there who do not think like the rest of the rational population.”

“It makes me favour bringing back the death penalty!”

“And that’s a whole other debate. So, about dinner?”

“As I said, I’m not really in the mood. I just want to go home, have a long scalding hot shower and then crawl into bed for a month.”

“Come back to mine. I don’t think that either of us should be alone tonight.”

“I’m not going to be particularly good company.”

“You don’t need to put on a show with me Barbara.”

“Okay, I accept your kind offer, but I’ll meet you there so that I have my car to hand when you kick me out for driving you mental because of my maudlin mood.”

“I accept your terms, even though me throwing you out isn’t going to happen.”

“We’ll see.”

…”Do you want a drink or do you want to have your scalding hot shower?”

“Shower first, drink after.”

“You can use the shower in my en-suite.”

“What’s wrong with the one in the spare room?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why are you offering your en-suite?”

“Well, I’ve just had this amazing rain shower installed and I thought you might like to try it out and give me your unbiased feedback.”

“A rain shower?”

“Yes, it can give you so many different types of water flow; in fact there’s one to suit every eventuality.”

“And you’re trusting me to play with your new toy? You’re either very brave or you have more money than sense.”

Tommy roared with laughter. “You already know that about me.”

“I was trying to be kind.”

“I know. Now, let me show you how to set the controls and then I’ll leave you to it.”

I followed him up the stairs and into his room. Whereas I would once have felt uncomfortable around him and his home, I now felt completely relaxed and at ease with him and the opulence of Eaton Terrace.

Tommy moved me to stand in front of him, and then reached around me.

“You control everything from here. This button sets the temperature of the water, this one the pressure of the water, and this one lets you choose between using just one or both of the shower heads.”

His chest brushed against my back as he moved, and I shifted my position slightly so that the contact increased, taking delight in hearing him sigh deeply.

“So, I can control ‘everything’ from here?”

One hand moved to my waist, while the other that had been resting on the control panel shifted to my shoulder.

“Everything about the shower anyway.”

His fingers started stroking my neck, before he replaced his fingers with his lips.

“Should we be doing this?”

His breath was warm against my skin. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No, the opposite.”

“Good.”

Somehow we managed to get rid of our clothes and end up under the hot and welcoming spray. I could think of nothing but how good it felt to have Tommy pressed up against me, moving inside of me. His mouth devoured mine, his fingers biting into my skin. I had dreamed about this for so long, for it to be a reality was almost unbelievable.

From the shower we moved to the bed, not caring that the sheets became wet beneath us, far too consumed by the emotions we were finally giving in to. We were insatiable.

…I looked at my watch again, convinced that I had been sitting in this damn room for hours, only to discover that merely forty minutes had passed since I had entered it. The pathetic excuse for coffee that I had made myself was cold; it could barely have been classed as hot to start with.

I was frustrated, irritated and annoyed; with myself and with Barbara. If only she had woken me then she wouldn’t be in hospital now. We would still be snuggled up in bed, or perhaps we would be making love again.

“Mr Lynley.”

I looked up to see Dr Masood standing in the doorway.

“You have some news?”

“Ms Havers is still in theatre, it’s going to be a while yet I’m afraid. I just wanted to check that you had everything you needed.”

“I was thinking about going outside to get some air and stretch my legs.”

“You’ll have time, just let the reception staff know where you are.”

“I will. Thank you.”

…I woke to an unfamiliar room, an arm around my waist and warm breath on my skin. It took a while for me to remember where I was and who I was with. My heart sank as the memories of what happened flooded back. How could I have been so stupid.

Holding my breath, I slowly made my escape from Tommy’s embrace. Inch by inch I slid from his grip, before fleeing to the bathroom to dress. As I hurriedly pulled on my clothes I worried what I would say to Tommy if he woke and came looking for me. I didn’t want to explain why I was creeping away in the early hours of the morning, I didn’t think he would understand, I wasn’t sure I did. All I did know was that I wasn’t up for an argument, and if he caught me leaving then I knew that an argument was exactly what would happen.

Luck appeared to be on my side as I crept through the bedroom and down the stairs. I rescued my coat and bag from his hallway and then slipped out of the front door, closing it quietly behind me.

I didn’t dare breathe out until there was a couple of streets distance between us. I was so angry with myself for letting Tommy know how I felt about him. Now the genie was out of the bottle there was no way that I would be able to put it back in again. One moment of insanity meant that I had lost my best friend, my work partner, my reason for getting up in the morning, my everything.

Tommy wasn’t the kind of man to brag about his conquests, and I knew that he wouldn’t mentioned what had happened between us to anyone. For that I was grateful. In truth, no one would believe that he had ever lowered his standards to bed me.

I could feel the hole in my heart already, and the more distance I put between us, the more my heart and soul ached. I tried to focus on the road instead of the gnawing pain deep inside of me, the pain that nothing except Tommy could lessen.

…The drizzle clung to the wool of my overcoat and dampened my hair. I stuck my hands deep in my pockets and began to pace, wondering just how the hell Barbara and I had ended up here. Only a few hours earlier my soul had been at peace and I was the happiest I had ever been, now I was once again pacing at a hospital, my soul tormented and my heart broken.

I had loved Barbara from almost the moment I met her. She was so unlike anyone I had ever met; strong, loyal, intelligent, funny, angry, broken. She captivated me. We could argue as if it were an Olympic sport, but we never let our arguments destroy what we shared. 

If I had a problem I knew that I could turn to Barbara and that she would help me. She would also mock me and call me a bloody idiot, but I could rely on her to be there for me and guide me. Without doing anything other than being herself, Barbara became the centre of my world.

Somehow I found myself beside my car. I looked longingly at it, thinking how easy it would be to just get behind the wheel and drive away. Drive away from Barbara, just as she had driven away from me. One hand found my keys, and I gripped them tightly in my hand until it hurt. So easy. But I wouldn’t.

Turning on my heel, I headed back towards the hospital.


	2. Chapter 2

… “Ms Havers. It’s time to wake up now Ms Havers.”

I felt groggy, as if I had spent the entire night drinking. I didn’t recognise the voice that was trying to wake me, and I was annoyed that they were trying to.

“Let me sleep.”

“You can sleep once we have done your observations.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you know where you are Ms Havers?”

“Umm, at a guess I’m in bed.”

“You’re in hospital Ms Havers, you’ve just had surgery after an accident.”

“An accident?”

“You were in a car accident. Do you remember the accident?”

I tried to sit up, and then wished I hadn’t.

“No, don’t try and move.”

“What the hell happened to me?”

“Your car, it crashed into a van. You were quite badly injured. We had to remove your spleen.”

“Was Tommy with me?”

“Tommy?”

“Thomas Lynley, my part.. I mean my friend.”

“No, there was no one in the car with you.”

“Oh, thank god!”

“He is here, he’s been waiting to see you. Shall I go and fetch him?”

“Yes please, I need to see that he’s okay.”

…Mr Lynley, Ms Havers is awake and asking for you.”

I put down my second cup of caffeinated hot water and stood to follow the nurse who had spoken.

“Is she okay?”

“She’s confused, and she doesn’t seem to recall the accident.”

“Other than that?”

“Other than that she came through the operation successfully. She is going to take things easy for a while, and she is going to need some help until she gets back on her feet, but she should make a full recovery.”

“I can do that, although she may not want me to help her once she remembers why she was driving home.”

The nurse threw a questioning glance in my direction.

“I didn’t do anything, well not anything bad. We finally gave in to our feelings for each other, and then Barbara got overwhelmed and left. I woke to find that she wasn’t there, and was just about to call her when I got the call from here telling me about her accident. We’ve been friends and partners for over ten years, I never thought that things would end up like this.”

“Are you sure that..”

“I’m sure. This is just like Barbara. She doesn’t believe that she’s worthy, or that anyone could possibly love her, especially not someone like me. She thinks that she’s below me, when in fact she’s a better person than I could ever hope to be. Without her in my life, well I’m nothing.”

“Then perhaps you should tell her that.”

“I intend to.”

…When Tommy popped his head around the door to my room he looked apprehensive.

“Is it okay for me to come in?” 

“Of course it is Sir.”

“So, we’re back to that again are we?”

“I don’t understand.”

“What do you remember about last night Barbara?”

“Nothing, well, not really.”

He crossed the room and sat down beside me, taking one of my hands in both of his.

“Last night Barbara, you and I, we discovered exactly what real love is. We finally gave in to the feelings that we have both shared for so long but never acted upon. Last night, with you holding me in your arms, I felt at peace for the first time in my life. I found my heaven with you.”

“That never happened. It was just a dream.”

“Oh Barbara, it happened, it really happened. You are my soulmate, and if you had given me the chance, I would have told you that. I love you Barbara Havers, I’m totally and hopelessly in love with you.”

“You can’t be.”

“And why can’t I? Because you say so? Because you don’t think you’re worthy or loveable. You are wrong Barbara, so very wrong. You are the better person here. If anyone isn’t worthy or loveable then it is me, but I hope that your love for me is strong enough to ignore my inadequacies because I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.”

“And you choose now to tell me this?”

“You didn’t exactly give me any other option. I reached out to cuddle you and found that you weren’t there. Perhaps I should have told you before I devoured you in the shower, but we had other things on our minds.”

“I can’t remember any of this.”

Tommy reached out and tenderly brushed back my hair. “I don’t want to overwhelm you Barbara, you’ve been through so much. Let’s just worry about getting you well again and then we can sort out our personal relationship.”

“This is all too much for me to take on board right now. I don’t know what to think.”

“As I said, let’s not worry about anything other than getting you well again. You can trust me Barbara. You and I have always been there for each other, that’s not going to change now. Just promise me that you’ll let me help you and that when you are better we will talk.”

“You won’t pressure me?”

“I promise.”

I yawned, and then winced. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation right now. I’ve only just come round from the aneasthetic.”

“As I said Barbara, all that matters is that you get well. We don’t have to rush things, you just have to promise me that we will talk.”

“I promise, but right now I just want to sleep.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“I kind of guessed as much.”

“Don’t you want me to stay.”

“Of course I do.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

…As Barbara drifted off to sleep, her hand still in mine, I thought about her reaction. Considering how she had fled into the night after we had slept together, I was surprised that she was so accepting of me and what I had told her. I was under no illusion that things weren’t going to be smooth sailing, especially if and when she remembered our night together, but I wasn’t going to let her go. I had waited far too long to find the love I had been searching for.

I was still angry, with her and with myself, but I knew that I had to get past that. Anger wasn’t going to help either of us. What we both needed was clear heads and clear communication; something that didn’t come naturally to either of us, and would need quite a bit of work on both our parts.

I chuckled and smiled; Thomas Lynley the tortured adolescent had finally grown up. That would shock the hell out of my mother. I should have trusted my heart all along and proposed to Barbara instead of Helen; everyone would have been so much happier.

Lifting her hand, I pressed my lips to the back of it. “Sleep well my love, I’ll take care of you.”

…I woke feeling as if I had been run over by a truck. There wasn’t a bit of me that didn’t hurt, and that included bits that I hadn’t previously known existed! I tried to move, and then moaned as my body protested loudly.

“Can I help you?”

“Sir?”

“It’s Tommy remember, Tommy.”

“Sorry, I forgot. Did you happen to get the number of the truck that ran me over?”

“Don’t joke Barbara, you could have died in that accident.”

“I don’t remember anything about an accident, but my body seems to recall every bit I manage to hurt in exquisite detail.”

“A van pulled out in front of you and you couldn’t stop in time. They think that you were travelling at about fifty miles an hour.”

“I can’t recall that. I can’t recall anything after the arrest.”

“That’s a shame. I hope your memories of the night we spent together come back to you because they are wonderful and I treasure them dearly.”

“You said something about us giving in to the feelings that we have shared for years. What exactly did we do?”

“I don’t think I should tell you.”

“Sir.” I could hear the whining in my voice and hated myself for it.

“I’m not being mean Barbara, I just think you should recover your memories of the night in your own time, that way you might believe the feelings we shared.”

“I’ve never had a problem with believing how I feel about you, it’s the believing how you feel about me that’s the issue.”

“Well, when you recall what we shared, then hopefully you’ll believe. And if you have any doubts after me being here by you side, I hope that you will talk to me about them as opposed to getting in your car and fleeing into the night.”

“Were we, you know, good?”

“Barbara, we were more than good. I wish I knew how to convince you, but I do know that I will never stop trying.”

“Talking about personal stuff has never been one of our strengths.”

“It will be from now on.”

… I spent all my free time visiting Barbara in hospital, making sure I was there from the start of visiting hours to the end of them. 

I pushed open the door to her private room, greeting her as I entered.

“Good morning Barbara.”

“Morning Tommy, they are going to discharge me today.”

“Do you want me to take you home.”

“Well…”

“Well what?”

“I’m going to need some help… so I was wondering… no, I can’t ask, it’s too much of an imposition… forget I mentioned it.”

“Barbara.”

“What?”

“Ask me what you were going to ask me.”

“I can’t.”

“Ask me.”

“I don’t want to be an inconvenience.”

“Barbara.”

“What do you want me to say Tommy?”

“I want you to say that you would like some help and you were wondering if I would help you with your rehabilitation.”

“And if I did say that?”

I didn’t respond verbally, instead I peered down my nose at her as if I were looking over some reading glasses.

“Oh, okay, right. Tommy, I want to be able to go home, but until I am a bit more mobile I am going to need some help. It’s not like you need to move in with me, or that I need to move in with you, I just need some help.”

“Would you feel happier at home or would you be able to relax in my home?”

“I don’t want to impose.”

“Barbara, please, just answer the question.”

“I would be happier at home, and that’s not because I don’t like your house, I do like your house, it’s just that right now I haven’t got a hoping hell’s chance of coping with steps and stairs.”

“Then I’ll take you on and help you as much or as little as you want me to. Don’t start feeling that you need to be shy or withdrawn around me. You’ve never been backwards in coming forwards so you don’t need to start now.”

“Evans is going to throw a purple fit when he finds out that you’re moving in with me.”

The smile that crossed my face felt like it was going to split it from ear to ear.

“So I’m moving in with you?”

“You don’t mind?”

“Of course I don’t, but I may have to buy you a new couch.”

“You could share my bed, I mean, it’s not as if we haven’t done that already.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

My smile grew even bigger.

“What do we have to do to get you out of here?”

“I have to wait until my consultant does his round, if he is happy with my test results then I get released into your care; or rather you get the dubious pleasure of being my carer.”

“You’ve cared for me, I am happy to be able to return the favour.”

“We’ll see!”

…Tommy carried me carefully into my flat and settled me on the sofa. My ribs had protested bitterly, but I had kept quiet as it wasn’t his fault that my body still ached.

As he went back to lock the car I looked around. I knew that he and I needed to talk, we hadn’t resolved anything that had made me run after our night of passion, nor after our conversation when I came round from the anaesthetic. I still had doubts, and I also had plenty of fears, but I had made Tommy a promise and I was going to keep that promise.

“Where are you?”

I looked up and smiled at Tommy leaning against my door frame.

“Just thinking.”

“You don’t want to do too much of that. The last time you did some thinking you ended up creeping out of my house in the dead of night.”

“No, that was an extreme case of not thinking. I should have woken you, I should have discussed my fears with you. I should have trusted you.”

“We can talk now, if you want to that is.”

“I guess we should. Sorry, that came out wrong, I mean I’ve been putting it off because I am scared, but I need to tell you what was going through my head that night.”

He crossed the room and sat down next to me.

“Where do you want to start?”

“I woke up being held by you and I was terrified. Not because I didn’t love you, because loving you and being in love with you has never been a problem, but I thought that I had done irreparable damage to what we shared, and I was terrified that I would be left alone and adrift when you realised who you had slept with.”

“I knew exactly who I was making love with, and that was you, the woman I had been in love with for as long as we’ve known each other, I was just too stupid to tell you. I was scared too, worried about what would happen to us, to our relationship. Worried that you might not feel about me the way I felt about you. Worried that I might make a complete idiot of myself and lose the one person I couldn’t live without.”

“We’re a right pair of idiots aren’t we?”

“That’s one way of putting it, I prefer to think of it as two people who knew that they couldn’t live without the other and were worried that whatever they did might ruin what they shared.”

“So the communication skills comment was spot on.”

“It was. Look Barbara, I am in love with you, and I want to spend my life with you. I am prepared to wait for you, until you feel comfortable, however long it takes."

“I can’t make any promises, except that I believe you and am not going to run away from you again. Not that I’m actually capable of running anywhere, even if I wanted to.”

“And do you?”

“What?”

“Want to; run that is?”

“No, I definitely don’t want to run.”

“That’s good to know. What do you want to do now that you’re home?”

“Honestly, I think I want to go to bed. I’m exhausted. However nice the private room was, and I thank you for that, it was still a hospital room and with all the comings and goings it really wasn’t that restful. I just want to go to sleep in my own bed, in my own night clothes.”

“You’ll need a hand getting changed.”

“I know, but you’ve seen it all anyway and you didn’t run away screaming when you saw my scars, only there’s a few more of them now.”

“They don’t bother me. Your scars are part of you, and they are part of our history. They don’t repulse me and they never will.”

“Wait until you see them, then you might think differently.”

“I won’t.”

“We’ll see.”

Tommy scooped me back up into his arms and headed towards the bedroom. Placing me tenderly onto the bed, he straightened up and looked me straight in the eye.

“Right, are we going through the full getting ready for bed routine or is this just a siesta before dinner?”

“Definitely a siesta before dinner. It’s been over two weeks since I had something that I could reassuringly call edible food.”

He sat down beside me and pushed the hair back off my face before cradling my cheek in his hand.

“Don’t ever change Barbara.”

“I have no intention of doing so.”

“Good. Now, do you need to go to the bathroom and where do I find your nightwear?”

“This isn’t at all awkward, is it?”

“Not for me it isn’t. You need help and I am more than happy to be the person who helps you.”

“But you didn’t sign up for helping me go to the bathroom.”

“I signed up for whatever it is that you need help doing, and if that is going to the bathroom then that’s what I will help you with.”

“It’s hardly romantic.”

“There’s plenty of time for that.”

“You won’t ever see me in a romantic light again after helping me go to the bathroom.”

He hooked a finger under my chin and made me look him in the eye, “I’ve loved you for years. I’ve loved you when you were lying on the ground bleeding out. I’ve loved you as you cried in my arms after being held hostage by Pat Garrett. I’ve loved you when we’ve stood nose to nose screaming at each other. Nothing is going to change that, nothing.”

“You say that now but…”

“Nothing.”

I smiled, seeing the sincerity in his expression and therefore knowing that I could trust him.

“I see you now believe me.”

“I do. I wish I’d woken you to have this conversation instead of panicking and fleeing from your house in the early hours.”

“What’s done is done. We can’t go back and we can’t change the past, so what we need to do is move forward together.”

“I can do that.”

“And if you do have any worries or concerns then you need to speak to me about them.”

“That goes for you too.”

“Yes my love, it does.”

…Barbara slept peacefully in my arms. I held her loosely, not wanting to aggravate any of her injuries. So much had happened in such a short space of time, and most of it could have been avoided if we had talked to each other before ripping the others clothes off and devouring each other. I regretted that Barbara had been so badly injured, and I was determined to do everything in my power to help her recover. I just had to make sure that she knew that I was doing it out of love and not out of guilt.

She murmured, and so I stroked her arm. “I love you Barbara,” I whispered.

“Love you,” she murmured back and then settled.

I snuggled as close as I dared and then followed her into slumber.


	3. Chapter 3

…This time when I woke in Tommy’s arms I felt content. I had no desire to run away from him, not that I could have run anywhere, even if I had wanted to. I turned my head to look at him, smiling at how peaceful he looked. How could I have ever thought that this was anything but a good idea.

We still had masses of things to sort out, and maybe some of them would prove to be insurmountable, but there was no way I would give up on Tommy and our relationship without a fight.

“Hello beautiful.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t.”

“Thank you for looking after me.”

“I told you, I always will. Now, how about we get some food. Do you want to go out or would you rather I got a takeaway?”

“Well, I’ve got nothing edible in, everything in my fridge is over two weeks old; it’s probably grown legs and headed to the bin store by itself!”

“A takeaway would mean you wouldn’t have to get dressed.”

“A takeaway it is then."

"Do you have any particular preference?”

“Something full of comfort, and that has taste. If it doesn’t come with a side helping of anaesthetic or disinfectant, that would be an added bonus!”

“So, curry or Chinese?” 

“Neither. Pizza.”

“Your wish is my command. Will you be okay while I go out to get it? I also need to pop home and pick up an overnight bag and a change of clothes.”

“I’ll be fine, and I’m sorry for being such an inconvenience.”

“Hey, we’ll have none of that! You are not an inconvenience, you are the woman that I love, the woman that I will do absolutely anything for.”

“I know, but I keep putting you out and you get nothing in return.”

“I do; I get you.”

…I licked my fingers, an action that provoked laughter from Tommy.

“Something amusing you?”

He shook his head, “not at all. I’m just pleased to see you’ve got your appetite back.”

“I couldn’t bear the stuff they laughingly described as food at the hospital. I know it was supposed to be healthy and all that bollocks, but it tasted as appetising as chewing on shoe leather!”

“And there’s my Barbara Havers.”

“I didn’t realise that I had gone anywhere.”

“You had, you did. You were being so closed, cautious and apologetic, and I was being just as bad.”

“I’ll give you that.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you about how much I love you. I can’t help feeling that if I had sat down with you rather than just jumping you then you wouldn’t have fled into the night, and if you hadn’t fled into the night then you wouldn’t have got injured. I’m sorry for causing you so much pain and distress.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.”

“I feel that I do.”

“Well you don’t. I wasn’t exactly beating you off with a stick that night Tommy. We wanted each other desperately, and the desire had been building for weeks, months maybe, or even years. Yes, with hindsight we should have had a conversation or two before falling into the shower and then into bed, but I shouldn’t have been so stupid. I had concerns, I could have woken you and we could have had a conversation then, you didn’t make me pull on my clothes and creep out of the house like a burglar.”

“Why did you run that night?”

“We’ve already been over this. I was scared and overwhelmed. I didn’t doubt that there was love between us, but I didn’t believe that I would ever be enough for you. I thought about the women you usually dated, they were all so polished and sophisticated, and then I thought about me, little Barbara Havers from Acton. No polish, no sophistication, no table manners, no RP voice. I couldn’t see how or why we would work.”

“And have you noticed that since my spectacular fall from grace with Julia Oborne I haven’t spent time with anyone who wasn’t you? I wasn’t scared to, I wasn’t using you to hide from a social life, I was with you because I wanted to be. You are the only person who gets me. You’re the only person who sees me for me and still likes me. You fight for me. You’re honest with me. You don’t let me get away with anything. I like that about you. I like that you challenge me, that you tell me when I am an idiot or a fool. I like that I can be myself with you. I don’t have to wear my Lord Asherton persona, or my Thomas Lynley persona, or any other guise, I can just be me, Tommy, and he is good enough for you.”

“But am I enough for you?”

“Yes. You are everything to me and everything for me. When I am sad, it is you that I want to talk to. When I am tired and grumpy, it is you who can make me smile. When I am hurting, it is you that soothes my soul. When I am happy and excited, it is you I want to share my happiness and excitement with. Whatever is going on with me, the first, last and only person I want to share it with is you.”

“I’m sorry I pushed you and Helen together.”

“Helen and I were a mistake; but you didn’t force us together. We were independent people; you didn’t control our thoughts or our actions.”

“I encouraged you.”

“You only manage to encourage me because I was a jealous idiot who wanted Helen to give me her undivided attention. You have nothing to apologise to me for or feel guilty about.”

“I do though.”

“Please don’t. Helen and I made a complete mess of our lives all on our own. We were toxic together, but we did what was expected of us by our families and by duty. There is going to be no more of that; I am going to do what is right for me, and what is right for you.”

“And if that upsets your family?”

“My family love you almost as much as I do. Judith has been dropping unsubtle hints for me to tell you how I feel for years, whereas Peter has made a point of informing me that I married the wrong woman almost since the day he met you. Even Mother noticed that I was only truly happy when I was with you.”

“So it’s just us two who’ve been wandering around with our heads stuck firmly up our arses?”

“I guess so.”

“Winston and Stuart have been hinting that we should get together for years.”

“Well I’m glad that my head is no longer wedged up my bottom. I love you Barbara and that is never going to change.”

“I love you too Tommy, I’m just terrified that I am going to do something that humiliates or embarrasses you and then you will decide that I am not worth the grief and leave me.”

“That is never going to happen. Remember that night a few years ago, when we were sitting right here in your flat, and we told each other that we had found a reason to get up in the morning? We both know what we were really saying to each other, we just couldn’t find the courage to say the words. We’re both saying them now, and we mean them.”

“Are you sure?”

“If I’m not sure after over ten years of loving you then I never will be. I’m sure Barbara; really and truly. I am one hundred percent sure and I have been for a very long time. My life means absolutely nothing if I can’t share it with you.”

“You say the sweetest things Tommy Lynley. Who knew that when I met you all those years ago that you would be the one person to complete me. My life means absolutely nothing if you’re not in it. I have been completely and hopelessly in love with you for just as long as you’ve loved me. I doubt it is going to be as easy as all that, and we wouldn’t be us if we didn’t bicker along the way.”

“If we didn’t bicker I’d think you’d been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by a pod person!”

“You’re lucky I love you.”

“I know.”


	4. Chapter 4

…I woke up feeling horrible; that was the only word for it. I had thought that I was recovering well, but now I felt as rough as I had when the accident had first happened.

“What’s the matter Barbara?”

“I feel dreadful, no, make that horrible. It’s as if I spent last night on a bender with Stuart and Winston!”

Tommy sat up, immediately alert, concern written across his features. “Horrible how? You need to be more specific.”

“You want details?” He nodded. “Okay, I feel as sick as a dog, my stomach is churning, I feel hot all over, and if I try to sit up I come over all dizzy. Is that enough detail for you?”

“Don’t be like that Barbara, I’m worried about you, I care about how you feel.” He reached for his mobile from beside the bed. “I’m going to call my doctor, get him to come round and check on you.”

I nodded, then rolled over onto my side, cradling my stomach, and closed my eyes. I did my best to focus on his voice and not my nausea, his words soothing me back to sleep.

The next time I woke it was because someone was gently shaking me and calling my name. I rolled over and groaned.

“Tommy?”

“It’s me Barbara. I’m sorry to wake you but Doctor Smithson is here to check you over. Can I bring him in?”

“Yes.”

Tommy briefly left the room and then returned with a man I assumed to be his doctor.

“Hello Barbara. Tommy tells me that you had a car accident six weeks ago and were recovering well until today. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

“Horrid. Dizzy and sick. I just want to lie here until I feel better.”

“I’m sorry Barbara, I wish I could let that happen, but because of your accident I need to examine you. Tommy, would you give us some privacy please.”

“I’ll be just outside if you need me.”

“I’ll be fine, but thank you.”

As the door closed behind him I turned my attention back to Doctor Smithson.

“Right young lady, let’s see if we can find out what is wrong with you”

…Thirty minutes later the door to Barbara’s bedroom opened and Doctor Smithson appeared.

“You can come back in now Tommy.”  
I walked past him and crossed to Barbara’s side.

“So, what’s wrong with Barbara?”

“She’s still healing nicely from the accident, I have no concerns there.”

“I can hear a but in your voice Doctor, there’s something wrong isn’t there?”

“I’m pregnant Tommy. God knows how after the accident and the surgery, but I’m pregnant with our child.”

I sat down hard on the bed and reached blindly for Barbara’s hand. “Really?”

“Yes Tommy, really.”

“What happens now?”

“Because of everything Barbara has been through I have contacted the EPU at Queen Charlotte’s and Chelsea hospital and referred her. She needs to go there today.”

“There could be something wrong with Barbara or the baby?”

“Yes, there could be, but we won’t know anything until Barbara is checked out. I shall leave you to get dressed and make your way there. Call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

…Tommy stalked across the waiting room, then turned on his heel and stalked back. I reached out and caught hold of his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

“I’m feeling unwell and nervous, and you prowling around the room like a caged panther is not doing anything to help with that. I know you’re worried, I understand, especially after what you and Helen went through, but you can’t change anything by being a ball of simmering fury. What will be, will be.”

“How can you just sit there and be so calm?”

“Because if I were to stomp about like you are I would probably end up either projectile vomiting or tripping over my own feet due to the dizziness. I don’t want anything to be wrong with our baby, and I hope to any god that will listen that everything will turn out to be fine, but I also can’t do anything to change what is.”

“Do you want to be pregnant?”

I dropped my hand and recoiled away from him. “How can you even ask me that?”

“It’s a simple question Barbara.”

“You want to do this here, and now?”

“You avoiding answering me tells me everything that I need to know.”

“Oh, so now you’re all knowing as well as being an arrogant ponce! I think I’d like you to leave.”

“I’m glad you think so little of me.”

“I don’t, I love you, but right now I don’t particularly like you.”

“You love me, I wish I could believe that!”

“I thought we’d got past all of this bullshit, I thought that we had talked and that we understood each other, seems like I was wrong.”

“You won’t tell me what I need to hear.”

“Because I don’t bloody know the answer! I haven’t thought about having children because I didn’t think I could. I’m in my early forties, I got shot and lost an ovary, I was in a car crash and had major surgery to remove my spleen, not to mention the risk that the impact could have caused. I’m too terrified to start thinking that maybe you and I could be starting a family together. I’m only just holding myself together here, I haven’t got the energy to be your glue too.”

He slumped down next to me, reaching for my hand, and I let him lace his fingers through mine.

“I’m sorry Barbara.”

“I know you are.”

“I can be such a selfish pig at times.”

“Yes, you can, but you are also rather cute, so sometimes your piggish behaviour can be overlooked.”

He smiled softly at me, “thank you.”

“Apology accepted, but you’ve got to let me find my own way through this emotional minefield. This is a lot for me to take onboard. I won’t shut you out, but I meant it when I said that I can’t be the glue that holds you together this time.”

“No, now is the time for me to step up and be there for you, if you’ll let me that is.”

“That’s all I’m asking for.”

“Ms Havers?”

We both looked up in the direction of the voice.

“That would be me.”

“If you and Mr Lynley would like to follow me.”

Tommy stood and helped me to my feet before wrapping his arm around me. Letting me lean on him, we followed the nurse.


	5. Chapter 5

…Tommy helped me sit on my sofa, then lowered himself down beside me.

“This is really happening.”

I turned and smiled at him. “Yes, it is.”

“I know it’s early days, and we both heard everything that the doctor at the EPU said, but I want you to know that I will be there for you, whatever happens, whatever you need, my support is unconditional.”

“I understand that this is hard for you Tommy, I really do, and while I can’t promise you that nothing will go wrong, I can promise you that I will do everything that I’m told to, to the letter.”

“I know you will, and I’m really sorry that I kicked off the way I did.”

“And I’m sorry for the same thing. We were both worried, and we did what we always did, bickered with each other because we knew that it was a safe thing to do. We may fight, but we always come back to each other.”

“We’ve got some conversations to have and some decisions to make, but we don’t have to do any of that now. Do you feel up to having something to eat or do you just want to go for a lie down?”

“I think I’d like to sit here for a while and relax, and if a certain gorgeous earl would like to snuggle up with me, well that would be a bonus.”

“Hmmm, do you have a certain gorgeous earl in mind?”

“Well, I was thinking about you.”

“That’s good, because I’m not letting you snuggle with anyone else.”

“And it’s good that I don’t want anyone else either.”

…”Barbara, do you remember a few days ago I said that we needed to talk and make some decisions?”

“Yes.”

“Do you feel up to having a chat?”

“I think I know what it is that you want to talk about, or at least I think I know what one of the things you want to talk about is.”

A tender smile crossed his face, “am I that predictable?”

“No, definitely not. I like the way you can surprise me.”

“I want to marry you Barbara. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side. I want to be able to call you my wife.”

“Is that a proposal Lord Asherton?”

“No, that was a statement of intent,” he got onto one knee and held both my hands in his, “this is a proposal. Barbara Havers, will you marry me?”

I freed one of my hands and reached out to brush back a lock of hair from where it had flopped in front of his eye.

“I’m never going to be like Helen or Christine or Julia. I haven’t been to a posh private school. What you see with me is what you get.”

“I don’t want another Helen, Christine or Julia, I want you, and I want you exactly as you are. I’m completely in love with you Barbara, and only you, so what do you say? Will you marry me?”

“Yes, but with a couple of conditions.”

“And they would be?”

“That nothing happens until I am more mobile. I don’t want people looking at you and then at me and wondering what the hell you were thinking when you married me.”

“I don’t care what other people think. I don’t need a big fancy showy wedding, unless of course that is what you would like, all I want is to be your husband.”

“I know, and I love you for loving me the way you do, but look at me Tommy, I’m a mess. There’s scars from the shooting, scars from my car accident, scars from my surgery, my legs are still weak, my arm is still in a cast.”

“None of that matters to me. Barbara, I love you. Your scars, they are part of you. They don’t turn me off or make me feel disgusted. You mean the world to me, you always have.”

“You know this makes me uncomfortable.”

“Thanks a lot!”

“Not you loving me, or me loving you.”

“Then what, because I don’t understand what the hell is going on here!”

“You know why I left you in bed that morning. You know why I crashed the car. I was scared, terrified that I had ruined our friendship by falling into bed with you. This has all happened so quickly.”

“You call ten years quickly!”

“Tommy, we’ve been friends and colleagues for ten years, and you’ve come to be the most important person in the world to me, the one person it would kill me to lose. I want to be sure that we are doing this for the right reasons.”

“We’re having a baby, I can’t think of any better reason.”

I sighed deeply, “Tommy, please. Can you try to get past your anger and actually listen to what I am saying. I am not saying no, I am not saying that I don’t love you, I am not saying that I don’t want to be with you romantically, I’m just saying that I don’t want to rush down the aisle.”

“What is it about us getting married that worries you?”

“You’re an earl, there are expectations in regard to the kind of woman you marry. I don’t meet any of those, in fact I am the polar opposite of the kind of woman you are supposed to marry. When I’m at full strength, when I am fighting fit, that would be water off a duck’s back to me, but right now it isn’t. I am a complete mess.”

“If you were fighting fit, would you want a big wedding?”

“God no! That’s my idea of hell.”

“Then how would you feel if we just crept off and married quietly. No big announcements, no fanfares, just you, me and two witnesses?”

“I wouldn’t do that to you. You don’t have to keep me a secret, you just have to let me feel a bit stronger.”

“And when you do you will marry me?”

“Yes, I will marry you, and I promise you it will be before my baby bump is too prominent, and I also promise you that we will marry in a way that suits both of us. I want to be a good wife to you Tommy.”

“You will be, just by being you. I’m sorry for getting angry again.”

“After all these years I’m used to you and your quirky moods.”

“Will you at least let me buy you an engagement ring?”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This is the last full chapter I have written... I’ve been offering the Muse bribes (in the shape of Nathaniel Parker, Guy Henry & Julian Looman) but all that seems to do is distract her from the task at hand (the glassy fixed stare and drooling is rather off-putting too)!_

…I hardly ever went back to my townhouse, more than happy to stay with Barbara in her flat. It might be compact, but we were content.

Evans was not impressed with me taking extended leave to look after Barbara, but I didn’t much care. She needed help, she was carrying our child, not that I had told Evans that, all that mattered to me was Barbara and her needs.

I had found her a beautiful yet simple engagement ring, consisting of two diamonds and two emeralds set in a square gold mount. It reminded me of her eyes. She called me soppy and sentimental, but I could tell that she was secretly pleased.

Her health was improving, and so was her confidence, but I still couldn’t get her to commit to a wedding date. It frustrated me that she thought so little of herself but, after our last wedding discussion, I knew not to push her again. Instead I decided to just keep loving her, supporting her, and building her confidence.

Barbara had always been mercurial in her moods and emotions, something that wasn’t surprising considering how difficult her upbringing had been after her brother’s death. I just wished I could make her see that I knew that we weren’t all that different. Yes, my family had money, but we were equally dysfunctional, if not more so.

Barbara and I were two damaged souls whose hearts had recognised each other as soulmates, even when our brains were both too stupid to. I couldn’t imagine life without her in it, it terrified me if I even tried to. She had been a part of my life for over ten years, the biggest part, the most important part. I would never have imagined that the one thing, the one person I needed more than anything else in my life would turn out to be the Met’s troublemaking detective sergeant.

We didn’t get off to a good start; arguing at the drop of a hat, winding each other up. I thought that she had been sent to me as a punishment, and she thought I was sent to end her career. We were both on edge; I was used to yes men and she was used to being the doormat that other people, especially her senior investigating officers, used to wipe their feet on.  
By the end of the case we saw each other differently, and that was how our relationship began.

…I knew that I was driving Tommy mad by not discussing the wedding, but I still wasn’t ready. I had meant it when I had promised him that I would marry him before my baby bump was too visible, but there was a part of me that was waiting for everything to be taken away from me.  
The baby was a precious miracle, something that I had never imagined would be possible for me, and for me to be having a baby with Tommy was more than most people ever got in a lifetime.

He was the most important person to me, the only reason I was still alive if I were completely honest. He gave me the strength to carry on when I didn’t think I could. His friendship, his support, and dare I say it his love, they were what made my life worth living.

I knew that he wouldn’t put up with me avoiding the subject for much longer, I certainly wouldn’t, but I also knew that I couldn’t give him the answer he wanted, or at least not yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _My laptop has been updating Windows 10 for over two hours, so I’m posting what I have stored on Google Docs via my phone... sorry for the cliff_

…”I know I’m confusing you Tommy.”

Barbara was lying on the sofa next to me, her head in my lap as I absently stroked her hair.

“Why do you think you’re confusing me?”

“Because I agreed to marry you and now I won’t discuss it. I know the promise I made you, and I meant every word of it. I still do in fact, I’m just scared.”

“Do you want to talk about what it is that’s scaring you?”

“I keep waiting for all of this to be taken away from me; you, our baby, everything.”

“Why do you think that will happen?”

“Because everything and everyone that I have ever loved has left me. I’ve never cared about or loved anyone or anything more than I do you and the child we have created, but I can’t stop worrying that it will all be snatched away from me because I don’t deserve this much happiness.”

“Hey, if anyone deserves some happiness in their life it’s you. I’m scared too Barbara, but I also know that, whatever happens, if you and I face things together then nothing will break us. We’ve been through so much together, and we’ve always come out the other side. This time will be no different.”

“What if something bad happens to the baby?”

“We will be sad, and we will mourn, and it will be difficult and painful, but if we face things together, as we always have done, we will make it through.”

“I want to marry you Tommy. For years I have done nothing but dream that one day you would look at me and realise that I was a woman, and now that has happened I am terrified.”

“I’m not going to put pressure on you Barbara, that wouldn’t be fair of me, but I do want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you as my wife.”

“And I want you to be my husband.”

“I meant it when I said we could just go away and do it quietly. It’s about the marriage, not the wedding. I don’t want or need a Hollywood production, I just need you.”

“Your mother wouldn’t be best pleased.”

“I’m not marrying her.”

“Tommy.”

“Don’t you Tommy me.”

“And now you’re getting angry with me.”

“I’m not.” She sat up and glared at me, a look that I knew well. “Okay, so maybe I am, a little. I don’t know how I can prove to you that you are all I want and need. I’m not going anywhere. In all the years we were partnered I fought to keep you by my side. I turned down promotions, I took your resignation back from Webberley, I defied orders to get into the Queen’s Head when you were held hostage. You mean everything to me.”

“You turned down promotions?”

“Oh, I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

“Yes, and I think you owe me an explanation.”

“There’s not all that much to say really. Hillier and Evans both offered me promotion to DCI, and I turned them down because I wanted to stay partnered with you. I don’t think I’ll be offered again.”

“Why on earth didn’t you tell me before?”

“Because I had no intention of taking them. If either of them had threatened to split us up then I would have told you in a heartbeat, but that scenario never arose.”

“It will now I’m pregnant.”

“It won’t, because I’m resigning.”

“There’s something else we should have discussed as a couple. And you wonder why I have my doubts about marrying you!”

“You said you wanted to marry me.”

“I did. I do. But what hope is there for us if we can’t even talk about things such as you resigning from your bloody job?”

“I’m sor…”

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you bloody dare! Sorry isn’t a magic wand. You can’t wave it over our problems and then they’ll suddenly disappear. What was it you said? If we face things together then nothing will break us? That’s garbage! If we’re in a grown-up relationship, then we need to talk about things. If we can’t do that, well there’s no point then, is there?”

“Barbara, I…”

“As I said, don’t you bloody dare! I’m going out, don’t follow me.”


	8. Chapter 8

The door slammed behind her, and I worried about where she would go. Then I heard the throaty growl of the Bristol, at least she was taking the car, although her driving angry and distracted now added itself to my worries, especially after what had happened last time.

I was mentally kicking myself for once again making a decision without including her in the process. She was right, how could we say we were in a grown-up relationship if we acted as independent individuals instead of a team? We managed it in our working partnership, why was it so difficult now we were engaged?

While she and I had verbally sparred for the entirety of our partnership and friendship, I didn’t want to keep having the same argument with her now, and I doubted it was much fun for her either. It was getting tiring and old.

…I made it ten minutes down the road before I had to pull over. Tears were flowing down my face and I didn’t want to do to the Bristol what I had to my car.

I hated that I was rowing with Tommy. Bickering and verbally sparring with each other was one thing, but this was on a completely different level. 

My body may have been healing, but it was becoming perfectly obvious to me that I needed some help with the emotional side of things. I couldn’t carry on like this. I doubted Tommy could either. I also thought that some time apart might be beneficial to us both. I loved him, and I wouldn’t keep him from his child, but this was happening so fast, no matter what he said. Time and breathing space would allow us to look at things rationally, or at least I hoped they would.

Wiping my face with my hands, I started the car and headed back to my flat.

…As soon as I heard her key in the lock I rushed to the door. She had hardly stepped through it before I gathered her to me and held her close.

“Barbara. Thank god. Are you okay?”

She stood stiffly in my embrace.

“I’m fine.”

Her reaction confused me. I thought that her coming back meant she had calmed down. Perhaps not.

“What’s going on?”

“I’ve done some thinking. I love you, but right now this relationship isn’t working for either of us.”

I released her and took a step backwards.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we need some space. I want you to go home.”

“I am home! Wherever you are is my home.”

“I need you to leave Tommy. I’m not shutting you out. I’m not ending our engagement. I just want to be by myself, to have time alone, to think about things.”

“To think about us?”

“Yes.”

“You’re abandoning me, just like Helen did.”

“I’m not.”

“Then what do you call it?”

“I’m trying to save us.”

“It doesn’t seem like that to me!”

“I can’t help that.”

“We need to talk about this.”

“We do, but down the line, not now. Please leave Tommy.”

“Fine. I’ll go. Call me when you’ve got over whatever this is.”

He took the Bristol keys from my outstretched hand, brushed past me and crashed out. I closed the door, locking it and putting on the chain, before tiredly slumping against it.

…I poured myself a generous measure of whiskey, slamming it back before helping myself to another. Why did all my relationships end in disaster? 

Crumpling into the nearest seat, I ran my fingers through my hair, self-loathing flooded my body. It had to be me. I was the common denominator in all of this. What was it about me that made everyone walk away?

I wished I understood.

I had thought that Barbara was different. We had been together in one way or another for so long. She had seen the best of me, and the worst of me, and yet she had loyally defended me through it all. I thought she trusted me, understood me, knew me.

I was a fool.

Empty my glass, I reached for the bottle once more.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Apologies for the chapters shrinking in size... I'm trying to update every day, but that means squeezing in writing with everything else that is going on. Hope you'll all forgive me._

…If I believed I’d cried myself out over Tommy then I was wrong. I wanted to chalk it up to my rampaging pregnancy hormones, and they probably had something to do with it, but not everything.

I’d dragged myself to bed, not even bothering to get undressed. I was exhausted. Tommy had reacted exactly the way I had expected, but I was still disappointed in him.

Only a few weeks previously I had told him that I didn’t have the energy to be the glue that held him together. Cut to the present day and yes, my health had improved with leaps and bounds, but I was still recovering. Adding pregnancy into that mix, especially as I was what the medical profession referred to as a geriatric mum, I had expected him to man up for the want of a better way of putting it. Instead, he had reverted to type.

Right now I couldn’t see a way out of this mess, however much I wanted to find one.

…I woke with a crick in my neck and my mouth that felt like the bottom of a sandpit. Groaning loudly, I carefully righted myself and reached for my phone, hoping that there would be a message from Barbara.

There wasn’t.

All the anger and disappointment came flooding back. I thought about contacting her but decided against it. She was the one who threw me out. As I had said, she could call me whenever she got over whatever it was.

Pushing up from the chair, I unsteadily made my way to the kitchen and downed three large glasses of water. Feeling slightly more human, I trudged up the stairs to my bed.

…I hadn’t slept, my mind going over and over things, over Tommy. Nothing was any clearer than it had been when I’d asked him to leave.

We had always been there for each other, but now there was a distance between us, one that had pushed us father apart than we had been during the Thompson case or after Helen had died. I had been right when I’d said that us sleeping together had been the wrong thing to do. It had blown open the cracks that were already there, cracks that we had papered over. Out of sight and out of mind.

We both should have known better.

Climbing out of bed, I crossed the room to my chest of drawers. Pulling the top one open, I searched through it. Eventually finding what I was looking for, I moved back to the bed and retrieved my phone from where it was charging, I dialled the number on the business card I was holding, a number I hadn’t used since being held hostage, and waited for it to connect.

“Hello, it’s Barbara Havers. I’d like to make an appointment with the counsellor please. As soon as possible."


	10. Chapter 10

…As I sat in the waiting area, I felt surprisingly calm. I knew that the counsellor wasn’t going to be able to tell me what to do, but to have someone who was outside the situation that Tommy and I currently found ourselves in and give me some perspective would be incredibly helpful.

I hadn’t heard from Tommy since I had sent him home, and to be honest I didn’t expect to. He was hurt and so he had shut himself away and was probably drinking himself into oblivion. I cared. I more than cared. But I also had to think about me and the baby now.

“Miss Havers?”

I looked up and smiled, “yes?”

“If you’d like to come with me.”

I followed the counsellor into the consulting room and took a seat in a familiar chair. The counsellor sat opposite me.

“So, how are you?”

“Physically well, thank you, but emotionally I’m a bit of a mess.”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s been going on.”

“I slept with my best friend, and now I’m pregnant.”

“I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than that.”

“I slept with Tommy.”

“Tommy your boss and friend?”

“Yes. We had one wonderful night together, but then I woke up in a blind panic thinking I had ruined everything, that I had lost the one person I couldn’t live without, and I ran. I ended up in a car accident. Tommy helped me with my recovery. We found out I was pregnant, and he asked me to marry him.”

“It sounds to me that you and he finally found each other.”

“You’d think so, and maybe we have, because I accepted his proposal, but with the condition that we wouldn’t set a wedding date until I was fully recovered.”

“Was that a joint decision or…”

“No, that was all me, and that’s also what’s brought me here now. I still can’t commit to a wedding date, because I’m scared that one day, he’s going to look at me and realise what a huge mistake he’s made.”

“Why do you think that? He was supportive of you when you had PTSD, and you just said he helped you with your recovery.”

“There’s something I never told you about Tommy, he’s Thomas Lynley, the Eighth Earl of Asherton. He dates women with breeding and an expensive education. Women who are the polar opposite of little Barbara Havers from Acton.”

“In all the conversations we had about him a few years ago, it never once appeared to me that he cared about your differences. He tried to get into the pub to rescue you. His first thought has always been you.”

“That was when we knew our places. We were friends, but there was a line that we didn’t cross.”

“Because he was married?”

“Because he was married, because he was my boss, because he was the one relationship I couldn’t afford to screw up. I needed him in my life, he needed me in his life. We relied on each other, depended on each other. Then we slept together, and it all went to hell.”

“Did it, or is that what you’re scared is going to happen?”

“I threw him out.”

“Sorry.”

“He moved into my flat to take care of me after the accident and he never went home. Then we had an argument a week ago and I asked him to leave.”

“What did you argue about?”

“The fact that we don’t communicate. He’d decided to resign. He’d turned down promotions so that he could stay partnered with me. We don’t discuss anything of importance. If we’re a couple, if we’re going to marry, we need to be able to talk about things.”

“What did he say when you told him that?”

“He tried to say sorry, and I lost my temper. He wields sorry as if it is a magic wand that can erase everything, a cure-all for our problems.”

“And it isn’t?”

“Of course it isn’t! You can’t just do whatever you want and then say sorry and think that makes it right. His belief at work was that it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission. That was fine when we were partners, but it annoys the hell out of me now that we’re a couple.”

“So, you accepted that side of him when you worked together?”

“Yes, because it worked in the situation, we were in. Our relationship is not the same as being a partnership in the Met. We need to talk to each other, as adults.”

“Do you think he would come to counselling with you?”

“That depends on how long it takes him to sober up.”

“Excuse me?”

“Tommy’s way of dealing with things is to dive head-first into a bottle of whiskey. Since I told him to go home, I would think he’s probably working his way through his drinks cabinet.”

“Have you spoken to him since he left?”

“No. He told me to call him when I got over whatever it was. I can’t keep arguing with him. I can’t keep having the same argument with him again and again and again. I’m engaged to him. I’m having a baby with him. I want to have a life with him. I want to be his wife, I want him to be my husband, but I can’t see how we can work if we can’t discuss important things, or even non-important things.”

“Contact him, by phone if you can, but by email if you think it would be easier to say everything you need to without either of you losing your temper and ask him if he would be prepared to come here with you.”

“And if he isn’t?”

"You have to give him a chance."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This chapter was going on longer than the Eurovision Song Contest (all hail the mighty Gene Hunt!) so I have split it in two. The second part will be posted tomorrow_

…I awoke with a start, then realised that it was my mobile phone that had disturbed me. Swiping it off the table beside me I saw that Barbara was calling.

“Lynley.”

“Hi, it’s me. How are you?”

“Alive. You?”

“We’re doing okay, thank you.”

“Was there something that you wanted?”

“To see how you are, and to let you know that I’m having counselling.”

“You are? Why?”

“Because I know that my issues are part of our problems, and so I am doing something about them.”

“Good for you.”

“I also wanted to ask if you would come with me.”

“Me?”

“My counsellor, she thinks that she should see us together, help us work through everything.”

“I don’t need any counselling to help me see what’s going on.”

“Tommy, please. I want you and I to work. I want us to build a family together. Surely having someone outside the relationship guiding us through our issues is a good thing.”

“What issues do you think we have?”

“That we don’t communicate well, and that causes us to argue instead of talking and finding common ground. Things that worked for us when we were colleagues are not necessarily helpful to a committed relationship.”

I grudgingly had to agree with her on that one but didn’t offer up a verbal response.

“So, will you come with me?”

“You really want me to?”

“Desperately.”

“When and where?”

“Tomorrow at ten. It’s with the counsellor I saw for my PTSD.”

“I’ll meet you there, but I’m not making any promises.”

“It’s enough that you’re willing to try.”

…It had been a week and a half since I had set eyes on Tommy, but one look told me that my assumption about his drinking had been correct. His skin was pale, and he didn’t look as if he had shaved. Still, he was here, so I wouldn’t comment until we were in front of the counsellor.

He nodded in acknowledgment, then sat down next to me.

“Thank you for agreeing to come.”

“I said I would.”

“It means a lot that you did.”

We were interrupted by the door to the consulting room opening.

“Ah, good, you’re both here. If you’d like to come through.”

Tommy stood, then held out his hand to me. I took it and allowed him to help me to my feet, biting down on my lip to try and fight the tears that were threatening to fall at his touch. He kept hold of my hand as we made our way into the room, and he helped me to settle into a seat before he took his own.

“Thomas, Barbara, it’s good to see you both.”

“I’m still not sure why I’m here. Barbara said something about our style of communication.”

“We don’t communicate Tommy, and that’s the issue. Your style has always been just do it and say sorry later, that doesn’t work for me.”

“It always did when we worked together.”

“That was different. You were my boss; I followed your lead and the buck always stopped with you. Now we’re supposed to be in an adult and equal relationship, but nothing has changed. You still do what you think is right and I am just supposed to either agree or accept your apology and consider the matter closed. That’s not what couples do, or at least that’s not what I want for us. I want us to discuss things, make decisions together. We may not always agree, but at least we would have talked everything through. Right now, we don’t have a relationship, we have a dictatorship with you in charge!”

“Don’t hold back Barbara, tell me exactly what you think of me!”

“I love you Tommy, I have done for years, but it feels as if we’re still at work. Good or bad, you make the decision and I’m supposed to be happy with it. My fears, and to a lesser point my opinions, you seem to try and explain them away like you are talking to a child. They’re not real, they don’t matter. This is what I want. This is what’s going to happen. I can’t live like that. I want to be able to tell you something and, even if it isn’t logical or rational, I want you to hear what I have to say, and discuss it with me as an adult, not just dismiss it and me.”

“Is that what you think I do?”

“It is. I don’t think you mean to, but I don’t feel like your equal.”

“That’s because you’re not.” I shrank back in my seat as if he had slapped me. “No, no Barbara, I don’t mean it like that. I mean that you’re a better person than I can ever hope to be, you always have been. You live life in the real world, whereas I’ve had everything handed to me on a plate for nearly my whole existence. You’re right, I’m used to saying this will happen and it does. I’m used to people reacting to my title and my money, and when I’m scared, I revert to type.”

“Scared? Of what?”

“Of losing you.”

“Idiot!”

“Sorry?”

“You heard me.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If you had told me any of this then we wouldn’t be in the mess we are now.” I turned to the counsellor, “see, this is exactly what I mean. We don’t bloody talk!”

“No, we obviously don’t. I’ve just poured out my heart to you and you call me an idiot.”

“Which is how I feel you treat me. A subordinate who needs an order to follow.”

“Thomas, Barbara, I think you both need to calm down.”

“Sorry.”

“Yes, I’m sorry too.”

“Thomas, why are you scared that you might lose Barbara?”

“Because she’ll see who I really am.”

“Um, not wanting to point out the obvious here, but I’ve seen the real you and I’m still here.”

“Then who is the real me?”

“A flawed man, whose Mother hurt him when he was a teenager, whose brother blames him for everything that went wrong in his life, who lost his first love to his friend, then married his best friend and tried to make it work, only to lose a child and then her. A kind man, with a brilliant mind and a heart of gold, but one who tries to solve his problems by drowning them in whiskey. I see you Thomas Lynley, the man I love.”

“How can you love me when I am such a mess?”

“How can I not?”


	12. Chapter 12

“You asked me to leave, it felt like the Helen situation was happening all over again.”

“I’m not Helen Tommy, you can’t judge our relationship by what you and she shared.”

“Why don’t you explain to Barbara what you mean.”

“Everyone I love has left me one way or another. My father, Deborah, Helen, the baby. I just keep waiting for you to leave too.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this when I told you that I was afraid that you were going to be taken away from me?”

“Because you needed me to reassure you.”

“I didn’t, I needed you to hear me and to tell me the truth. Why do you always act like you need to protect me?”

“Because I do.”

“I’m a big girl Tommy.”

“I know you are, but the times I haven’t been there are the times something happened. Pat Garrett, Robin Payne, Carly Baker, Conrad McCaffrey.”

“I was doing my job.”

“And you got hurt!”

“So, you’re scared I’ll leave because I’ll see the real you, you’re scared I might get hurt if you don’t protect me, and you’re scared I’ll walk out on you like Helen did. You can’t keep me in a locked room Tommy.”

“I just want to make sure you’re safe; from me and the outside world.”

I growled in frustration. “Can’t you see how screwed up that is?”

“It is a lot of pressure to put on a person, and it can’t be healthy for you either Thomas.”

“I… no, you’re right. I’ve always been over-protective of Barbara, even when I was married. I relied on her to keep me sane. She handed in her notice once, then Helen announced she was pregnant. I couldn’t get excited about the baby because all I could think was that Barbara was leaving me. I didn’t know how I would cope without her.”

“You seem very dependent on her.”

“She’s the most important person in the world to me. Without her I have nothing, I am nothing.”

“That’s not true Tommy.”

“It is Barbara, and you know it. You remember the man I was when we first met.”

I smiled at him, “my arrogant ponce.”

He returned the smile with one of his own, “my embittered shrew.”

“I do love you Tommy. You say that I am the most important person in the world to you, it’s the same for me. I still remember the night you came round to my flat. You’d heard from Helen, thought she wanted a divorce.”

His smile morphed into something softer, loving. It was an expression I'd seen before, and it always affected me. “How do you do it? Living alone.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and then spoke. “Oh, you get used to it. I’ve never been married, I’ve never had anything you could call a relationship. So, you get to a point where you just have to accept what you are, what you have. And then you find something else, and that gives you the reason to get up in the morning. And I have that, don’t I?”

Turning in his seat, he reached for my hands. “We both do.”

“We have to talk to each Tommy, be honest with each other. We have to discuss things and make decisions together. We need to share our worries and our fears, not bottle them up inside, or brush them under the carpet.”

“We need to listen to each other, really listen. I want us to have a proper relationship and a proper marriage. A partnership where we love and support each other. I never meant to hurt you Barbara.”

“I never meant to hurt you either.”

“Will you shout at me if I say I’m sorry?”

“I shouldn’t have done that. Sorry.”

“And I’m sorry for not listening to you. Will you have lunch with me?”

“Yes, we can discuss a date for our wedding.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

A loud and unsubtle cough made us remember we weren’t alone. We apologised in unison, “sorry,” then collapsed into a fit of the giggles.


	13. Chapter 13

“You do realise that one counselling session doesn’t solve our issues?”

“I do, but we have made a huge step forward.”

“I’ll give you that, but I think we should keep going to the sessions.”

“Agreed.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do. I may have been wandering around with my head up my bum, but I do want what is best for us.”

“Wandering around with your head up your bum, there’s a phrase I’d never thought I’d hear you use!”

“What can I say, I’ve been embracing a different way of life since I fell in love with you.”

“Another thing your mother will have a fit over.”

“My mother will be delighted that I am finally happy. Now, can we please go and get something to eat.”

“When was the last time something solid passed your lips.”

“Barbara…”

“Don’t Barbara me. We’re being honest Tommy, and I know you’ve been self-medicating. I could tell the moment I set eyes on you.”

“I haven’t had much of an appetite, and you’re right, I have been drinking, a lot.”

“That’s got to stop too Tommy. You can’t pickle your liver when you have a child to look after.”

“Perhaps that’s something I could work through in counselling.”

“If you really want to then I will support you, but right now we need to go and get some lunch.”

“Fading away to nothingness are you?”

“Before your very eyes.”

…As we sat and ate, I could see the life coming back into Tommy. He was smiling, and the colour was returning to his cheeks. He caught me watching him and his smile morphed into a mischievous grin.

“Something amusing you Sir?”

“You Havers.”

I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Charming.”

“As ever.”

“I was actually thinking about how wonderfully normal this feels. Sitting with you, eating, laughing. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“Where do we go from here?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said we could discuss our wedding. I wondered if that meant we were going to move back in together?”

“I’d like us to.”

“I can hear a but.”

“I’m not sure I want us to begin our married life in either of our current properties, they’ve got too much baggage connected to them.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“I was thinking that perhaps we could put them both on the market and find something new.”

“A new home for a new start and a new family; I like that idea. Were you thinking we should move before or after the wedding?”

“I’m not really sure. Properties can take a long time to sell, and I don’t want us to be apart for however long it takes. I’m being silly, aren’t I?”

“No, not at all, but we might have to compromise and live in one of our existing properties until we find something new.”

“Can we think about that later?” 

“Definitely. Now, we have a wedding to plan.”

“And that’s another potential hornets nest.”

“It doesn’t have to be, not if we don’t let it. We decide on the type of wedding we want. We can have a society wedding, or a civil wedding. We could even run away to Gibraltar and get married with no waiting time at all.”

“It sounds as if you’ve been doing your research.”

“I looked into it when I first thought about proposing to you.”

“Would you be happy with a wedding in Gibraltar?”

“I just want to be married to you Barbara. If you told me you wanted to get married naked in the House of Lords I’d agree.”

“Well, you’re safe because there’s no way I’m going to be naked in public, not with this body.”

His smile faded and he reached across the table for my hand. 

“I know your scars bother you, but I honestly meant it when I said they are part of our history and don’t repulse me. I wish you could see yourself how I see you.”

“How do you see me?”

“I see you as a beautiful and feisty woman, who defends me when I’ve done the indefensible. A woman who is compassionate and loving, and who makes me proud to be by her side. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, you big softy and, if you are seriously open to the idea, I’d like to marry you in Gibraltar and then we could stay out there for a honeymoon.”

“If that’s what you want to do, then that’s what we’ll do. I was thinking, after lunch we could go back to one of our places and look for flights and accommodation.”

“We could also sit down and work out what kind of property we would like to buy, what would work for both of us and our family.”

“And we could think about what would work for us until we find our ideal home.”

“That sounds like a plan, but not until you buy dessert, the bump is craving something chocolatey.”

“The bump wants chocolate?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’d better get the menu so you can help the bump decide.”


	14. Epilogue

… “Tommy, can you go and get Jamie up for his lunch?”

“We’re up and ready. Let's see what Mummy has cooked for you today?”

“Fish pie.”

“Who’s a lucky little boy. When Mummy used to cook for me, I only got offered toast.”

“If Daddy wants to try and fit in the highchair then he’s more than welcome to have fish pie too.”

“Will Daddy find Mummy’s knickers in the cutlery drawer.”

I covered Jamie’s ears with my hands, “Don’t corrupt him!”

“I'm not corrupting him; I’m teaching him Mummy’s strange and wonderful ways.”

I kissed him on the cheek, “you are so lucky I love you. Right, I’m going to go have a shower while you two make a mess. Be back in twenty.”

“Don’t hurry, we’re having fun.”

“I will remind you of that later when you’re trying to remove dried food from your hair.”

I left them to it. Spoonfuls of lunch were alternating between being planes and trains, and there was a lot of giggling and laughter. Tommy adored his son, and Jamie had brought out a playful side of him that he hadn't embraced since his father had passed. It was wonderful to see.

Tommy had also stuck to his word and given up drinking. I had gone teetotal with him, and we now didn’t have alcohol in the house.

After marrying in Gibraltar, we had come home and moved into a new house on Ranelagh Grove, dividing our time between there and Howenstow. We had decorated the house in a way that made us both comfortable, turning it into a family home instead of a show home where people were too scared to touch anything; a place where we didn’t mind sticky toddler fingers exploring and marking the paintwork or accidental spillages of juice.

On occasion I still had trouble believing that what Tommy, Jamie and I shared was real. We had come so close to ruining it by not talking to each other, and I gave thanks nearly every day that we had worked our way through it, and that we’d been wise enough to realise that we needed help to do so.

Finally, we were happy; comfortable with each other and in our own skin.


End file.
